Mixed Mother's Day Emotions

Mother's Day brings mixed reactions in women. Those who are fighting infertility, who want desperately to be mothers and haven't been able to bear or adopt them, often hate the day, hide from it, and hope for it to pass quickly. Reactions to the day also vary among mothers, one mom to another.

As a daughter, I've always appreciated Mother's Day. I've given thought to gifts, to the proper way to honor my mother. Last year, I was living in the Navajo Nation, so I visited a local jewelry artist and shopped through her creations, looking for something special.

At age 93, Mom was struggling with macular degeneration and was nearly completely blind, but she had always loved jewelry. A native Arizonan with jet-black hair, she looked smashing in turquoise and silver. I chose a turquoise pendant that had a tiny, raised teardrop of lapis lazuli on the front side. Just by touch, Mom could tell the front from the back. I hung the pendant on a lovely silver chain that fastened with magnets, easy to put on or take off. I mailed the gift to my sister some days before the big Sunday and Sis delivered it to Mom on time.

Mom never wore it. By then, she was already in a downward slump. I sat by her side as she left us in early July. After she passed, I found the pendant, still in the box I sent, on the top of her dresser, waiting among her favorite jewelry pieces, the ones she loved to wear. I wear that pendant now.

As a mother, I have seriously mixed feelings about celebrating. I am deeply grateful for every one of my offspring. I miss the babies and children they were and I'm pleased and proud of the adults they've become. Their children are equally wonderful. I love being a mother and grandmother.

Still, I struggle with Mother's Day. Everyone talks as if the day is for perfect mothers who've never made a mistake, never given their children reason to be disappointed in their mothering, never caused their young to feel anything but joy about Mom. I don't qualify. I don't know any moms who do, but my personal sins and regrets have injured the people I love most in the world. How do I reconcile that with the honors and congratulations that are supposed to be part of Mother's Day?

Each year, I approach the day with both joy and regret. This year, I am choosing to put the emphasis on joy and deep gratitude for the children and grandchildren who are mine.